How To Love: My Crystalline Child Lights My Way
Here I am. I'm a 36 year old single woman. I write to you on what a typical Friday night for me with my 16 year old feline Familiar curled up on my lap fighting for the attention that I'm giving my keyboard. I just woke up from a nap with some killer cramps and an urge to purge to you about being a shutdown Starseed. So, grab a glass of wine and sit with me for a moment.
Recently, I've been diving deep into my relationship with my earthly mother. With all the changes the Lion's Gate engeries have been making within me, our relationship has shredded apart. I can't tell you that there was a particular instance/ fight/ disagreement. It just happened. I understand and accept that it needed to occur. It has made room for brighter and peaceful relationship to flourish. I hope one of those will be with my mother. Just a side note here, it took me 2 weeks to feel. We broke apart 2 weeks ago and I haven't felt the emotions until this moment.
In the meantime, I can only fix me. Me: a shutdown Indigo Starseed. Why did I shutdown? It's been two years now that I've been working on this. Why is it so fucking hard to grasp that my relatives have darkness, or that it's healthiest from me to move on? What is darkness? Well, that's a whole other post but for now, let's just call it evil. We are all composed of dark and light. It's our choices that form the majority of our being, but we are never truly evil, nor are we truly godliness. Back on track here shall we? I can't remember the very day I shutdown my psychic abilities.....or do I? ...it's too painful.... I can feel it though. I can remember being so tiny and delicate. All I wanted was to be loved. I was maybe 2 or 3. I felt sooo much joy. I juiced joy our of every minute of everyday. I loved everyone and everything. I wanted sooo desperately to find a place in my mothers heart. Her heart was closed. I couldn't open that gate and I took it personally.
There was an instance, when I moved something telekinetically, or my prediction came true, and she didn't reacted kindly. That's when I shut it all off. You know what? It also shut down my heart. Somehow some way, it's ally connected. And, now I'm an earthly mother learning to love so I can love my Crystalline Child. She has the most beautiful heart and it tears me apart that I can't fully connect with my child. Her light shines so brightly. Everyday she teaches me to love. It's quite intimidating. I carefully choose the answers to the monumental questions my 5 year old asks like "what is love?" "why is a boyfriend and girlfriends love different from mommy and kids love?" "what is falling in love for anyway?" "why are we here (earth)?" .... and the list goes on.
Do we even know what love is? Honestly though. As soon as someone shows a little affection or instigates a deep conversation, we think that they want to have sex with us. Don't we? If we are physically drawn to someone we think that it's got to be love at first sight. Man! I don't have this answers she deserves and it scares the shit out of me.
By the way, is their anybody out there? I'd like to connect. Feel free to comment or just say hi. My dishes didn't get washed in 2 days and I feel like I'm failing at parenthood because of it. How about you? It's a new world we are living in. We need to connect to thrive.
Recently, I've been diving deep into my relationship with my earthly mother. With all the changes the Lion's Gate engeries have been making within me, our relationship has shredded apart. I can't tell you that there was a particular instance/ fight/ disagreement. It just happened. I understand and accept that it needed to occur. It has made room for brighter and peaceful relationship to flourish. I hope one of those will be with my mother. Just a side note here, it took me 2 weeks to feel. We broke apart 2 weeks ago and I haven't felt the emotions until this moment.
In the meantime, I can only fix me. Me: a shutdown Indigo Starseed. Why did I shutdown? It's been two years now that I've been working on this. Why is it so fucking hard to grasp that my relatives have darkness, or that it's healthiest from me to move on? What is darkness? Well, that's a whole other post but for now, let's just call it evil. We are all composed of dark and light. It's our choices that form the majority of our being, but we are never truly evil, nor are we truly godliness. Back on track here shall we? I can't remember the very day I shutdown my psychic abilities.....or do I? ...it's too painful.... I can feel it though. I can remember being so tiny and delicate. All I wanted was to be loved. I was maybe 2 or 3. I felt sooo much joy. I juiced joy our of every minute of everyday. I loved everyone and everything. I wanted sooo desperately to find a place in my mothers heart. Her heart was closed. I couldn't open that gate and I took it personally.
There was an instance, when I moved something telekinetically, or my prediction came true, and she didn't reacted kindly. That's when I shut it all off. You know what? It also shut down my heart. Somehow some way, it's ally connected. And, now I'm an earthly mother learning to love so I can love my Crystalline Child. She has the most beautiful heart and it tears me apart that I can't fully connect with my child. Her light shines so brightly. Everyday she teaches me to love. It's quite intimidating. I carefully choose the answers to the monumental questions my 5 year old asks like "what is love?" "why is a boyfriend and girlfriends love different from mommy and kids love?" "what is falling in love for anyway?" "why are we here (earth)?" .... and the list goes on.
Do we even know what love is? Honestly though. As soon as someone shows a little affection or instigates a deep conversation, we think that they want to have sex with us. Don't we? If we are physically drawn to someone we think that it's got to be love at first sight. Man! I don't have this answers she deserves and it scares the shit out of me.
By the way, is their anybody out there? I'd like to connect. Feel free to comment or just say hi. My dishes didn't get washed in 2 days and I feel like I'm failing at parenthood because of it. How about you? It's a new world we are living in. We need to connect to thrive.
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