Am I Going Insane Or Is The Rest of The Word F*cked?
So, in the last post I told you about the beautiful message my friend sent that took me on a rollercoaster through my past: "You know I'd tell you if I thought you were fucked. I don't." Wow! You have no idea how much stigma I have around the topic.
When I started to "Awaken" as the spiritual community likes to phrase it, I had just given birth and my husbands insanity was starting to come to light. He was panicking as his control over me was fading and I was seeing his lies. One morning, I was awakened by a voice that told me "It is time to wake up Nadine. It's time to wake up." At this point, my husband had done many things to make me question my sanity, but I knew that this was not his voice.
He unwillingly accompanied me to my family doctor (I had all my life) and held my hand as my doctor recommended medication and a psychiatric evaluation. The meds made me ill and my counsellor deemed me sane. My husband soon after left us. After asking a thousand times why he was leaving, he casually stated "Being a father just isn't working for me." Then, this man who didn't want to be in my family, reported me to social services. He stated that I was hearing voices and that I was unstable. He didn't even want our daughter, he just wanted my soul. I could feel it when I married him. I heard the words "I'm selling gym soul to be with this man." I passed it off as a silly random thought. To sum this up, I was questioned and the investigation didn't go any further.
Through all of this, I had my family by my side. At times I felt heard and supported. When I told them of my psychic dreams I could feel their eyes roll. When I remembered the times in my marriage when I fell sick or when I went into a 24 hour coma from a few beers, they listened, but I never really felt heard. I longed for someone to hear my cry. I know in my deepest of hearts that he not only took a piece of my soul, but he tried to take my life on many occasions. I understand. I have compassion and empathy. Why would my words touch anyones heart when their minds cannot comprehend. No one wants to believe such evil exists in the world. What would it mean to admit that you believe it's real? Is their something inside of you that you would have to face? Would your reality be so shaken, that you would see the walls of the matrix crumble? Would you have to admit everything that you thought you were isn't real?
I did have two very dear friends that listened. They also heard me. They even loved me. They were my rocks. There is not a day that passes without me wondering where I would be today if I didn't have them by my side. They have spirits of warrior angels.
My biggest hurdle these days is letting go of what I thought love is. That's a story for another day. I love you all.
When I started to "Awaken" as the spiritual community likes to phrase it, I had just given birth and my husbands insanity was starting to come to light. He was panicking as his control over me was fading and I was seeing his lies. One morning, I was awakened by a voice that told me "It is time to wake up Nadine. It's time to wake up." At this point, my husband had done many things to make me question my sanity, but I knew that this was not his voice.
He unwillingly accompanied me to my family doctor (I had all my life) and held my hand as my doctor recommended medication and a psychiatric evaluation. The meds made me ill and my counsellor deemed me sane. My husband soon after left us. After asking a thousand times why he was leaving, he casually stated "Being a father just isn't working for me." Then, this man who didn't want to be in my family, reported me to social services. He stated that I was hearing voices and that I was unstable. He didn't even want our daughter, he just wanted my soul. I could feel it when I married him. I heard the words "I'm selling gym soul to be with this man." I passed it off as a silly random thought. To sum this up, I was questioned and the investigation didn't go any further.
Through all of this, I had my family by my side. At times I felt heard and supported. When I told them of my psychic dreams I could feel their eyes roll. When I remembered the times in my marriage when I fell sick or when I went into a 24 hour coma from a few beers, they listened, but I never really felt heard. I longed for someone to hear my cry. I know in my deepest of hearts that he not only took a piece of my soul, but he tried to take my life on many occasions. I understand. I have compassion and empathy. Why would my words touch anyones heart when their minds cannot comprehend. No one wants to believe such evil exists in the world. What would it mean to admit that you believe it's real? Is their something inside of you that you would have to face? Would your reality be so shaken, that you would see the walls of the matrix crumble? Would you have to admit everything that you thought you were isn't real?
I did have two very dear friends that listened. They also heard me. They even loved me. They were my rocks. There is not a day that passes without me wondering where I would be today if I didn't have them by my side. They have spirits of warrior angels.
My biggest hurdle these days is letting go of what I thought love is. That's a story for another day. I love you all.
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